To say I feel lost would be pretty accurate. Are we all lost? Is this a mood or a state?
End of the World and I don’t feel so fine. The party never got big but that’s that. I met a few amazing people and strengthened friendships with some others. I’m grateful they came but feel that we let them down.
I have to get in line with what needs done now. What do I need to do right now? Is this where I need to be? Has my purpose changed? Are we partners? Do I have teammates? I feel silly to have imagined so wrongly.
I thought this party could be huge. I thought 6 months of focused energy would pay off. I thought we’d make a bundle of money. I thought we’d save our town. I thought we could be heroes. I thought our hero status would be apparent by now, this, the week after our big party.
Sure, we had a good time and we sold a handful of Tshirts. Money tends to elude me. Is this a kind of money karma? Has someone been done wrong? Am I paying for past failures or oversights? Am I not seeing the big picture? Am I missing something? Am I wrong for writing about these feelings right now? Is there some wisdom to be found here? Will I rise to a new level?
For an entire year I’ve kept positive and focused on inspiration. I feel I have made a difference in the world.
Those disappointed with the outcome can share this sullen moment with me, after which, we can refuse to give up. We can refuse to quit. We can look within to understand this.
I took the past few days to let my heart heal. I got mystical; I got drunk. Today and yesterday I’ve taken a couple walks to focus on the land around us. I’ve made some astonishing discoveries and I’ve let my imagination go free.
These ridges and the plants have been talking to me. I’m stumbled upon ruins of men from long ago and materials left behind by past dreamers and visionaries. This place where Mark, Zak, Alison and I live is miraculous. The land has so much to tell us about ourselves. The land can quiet us and teach us. It can humble us.
On one hand I’d say we are nothing, but the other perspective is to see that we are everything and all of this is ours for the creating. We make this. We are the creators of all this.
I hope someone else has had the ground beneath their feet upset this weekend. I hope someone else relates to this shift of consciousness. I feel lost. Next week will be different.
Burnt bus photo by “Sugar Skull”.